happiness

i haven't really taken the time to reflect on my life in quite a bit, but i've come to the realization that i'm feeling really happy

like i don't know, nothing specific about my life is screaming "you're the happiest person in the world right now" (im not), and nothing specifically has happened recently that has prompted me to reflect on my life/feel so grateful, but i've recently realized that i'm in a place i didn't always think i'd end up in.

i think this realization that i am happy (this is embarassing tbqh) came when i was listening to the album solar power by lorde for the first time in quite a while. i remember i wasn't the biggest fan of it when it came out, it was so different from the rest of her work.

but in that moment, for the first time, i related to that album. and i guess the reason why i was so apathetic to it was because i didn't feel any connection with it. but now i do! and that's pretty beautiful to me.

and i keep having this recurring "what if"-esque thought just about my younger self and if i knew that i'd end up where i am today. because i'm not in some incredibly always beautiful place, but i'm doing so much better than i ever have before, i'm in a place i never thought i'd end up in

and i almost wish i could tell my younger self that—this idea that life will get better. i mean people would tell that to me all the time, but i never believed it. and again, it wasn't some sudden thing that made me realize that life is good, but just reflecting on the past few months, i've realized how lucky i am in life, and it's really helped me to stay on the brighter side.

i really hope this feeling will continue. i don't feel this sense of dread that my happiness will one day disappear (hopefully it's here to stay), and that just makes me feel really, really good

so, like solar power (and again, i feel so embarassed that this album is the one that's giving me this recognition, but whatever), i guess the sun came around, i let the bliss begin. i won't find nirvana, but i'll continue taking it bit by bit, and i don't think i can ask for more than that.

anyways, i think the best way to tl;dr this whole thing, is just to say... i'm finally at a place in my life where i can understand solar power by lorde, and that's crazy to me.